aromantic

aromanticsanonymous:

Here it is! Still WAY under construction. Help flesh this thing out, guys!

Submitted by detectivepunchymhitsthings

outlawroad:

Dear World,

Please take note of the following facts about asexual and aromantic people.

——

Asexuality is an orientation based on the lack of sexual attraction to other humans beings.

This means asexual people never look at other human beings and experience an arousal response or a desire to have sex with them.

That is all it means.

Some asexual people still have a sex drive and some don’t.

Some asexual people masturbate and some don’t.

What do we think of when we masturbate? Usually nothing. A lot of us use pornographic material to become physically aroused when we feel the urge to masturbate.

Why would we masturbate when we’re asexual? Because being asexual means we don’t experience sexual attraction, not that we have no sex drive. Those of us who have a sex drive lack any connection of that drive to attraction. But we still gotta take care of our physical need for sexual release.

Asexual men exist.

Asexual people have romantic orientations. We can be hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, or aromantic. This means some of us can feel romantic feelings, just like sexual people, but some of us are aromantic and don’t feel romantic feelings for anyone.

Romantic asexuals want romantic relationships. They feel romantic love. They want companionship. They just don’t want the sex.

Aromantic people—whether sexual or asexual—still have emotions and a desire to connect to others. They value relationships. They want and need and enjoy friendship and family. Many of them want to have a life partner or partners. They just don’t feel romantic love or attraction. Romantic love is not the only form of love that exists. Therefore, aromantic people still love. 

Some sexual people are aromantic too.

Being aromantic doesn’t make you a sociopath, anti-social, heartless, misanthropic, or cool with being forever alone.

Being aromantic does not solve all your problems.

Being asexual does not solve all your problems.

Some asexual people have sex. Some don’t.

Some asexual people feel neutral about participating in sex. Some feel repulsed by the idea.

Asexual people who have sex make that choice for any number of reasons: they’re curious, they’re romantically involved with someone sexual, or maybe they like it.

Asexual people can like sex for what it is: a physically pleasurable activity. Our bodies are usually fully functional. We can get aroused in the right circumstances. We can orgasm. What we lack is the attraction to people, which motivates you to actively seek out sexual partners.

Asexuality is not celibacy or abstinence. If you choose not to have sex because of religious reasons, personal reasons, health reasons, or whatever, but you still experience sexual attraction to others, you are celibate. You cannot choose to be asexual. Asexuality is an orientation. You are or you aren’t.

Being asexual is not the equivalent of never dating anyone.

Many asexuals and aromantics like nongenital physical affection. We like hugs, we like cuddles, we like holding hands, we like back rubs, we like kisses to varying degrees, etc.

Some don’t.

Just in case you’ve already forgotten: asexual men exist.

Some asexuals are polyamorous. Some are monogamous. Some don’t give a shit and just do their relationships however the hell they want.

Some asexuals are willing to date sexual people and let their sexual partners have sex outside the relationship. Some asexuals are not okay with this. If you want to know about a particular asexual’s feelings on the matter, ask.

Some asexuals like snogging. Some really, really don’t. Yes, there are romantic asexuals who don’t like kissing with tongue; they’re still romantic. If you want to know about a particular asexual’s feelings on this matter, ask.

Some asexuals have a history of sexual abuse. They can still be legitimately asexual.

Some asexuals struggle with mental illness, physical disability, mental disability, or disease. They can still be legitimately asexual.

And even if someone identifying as asexual is only circumstantially asexual based on one of the aforementioned conditions, they still have the right to use the identity if it suits them, as long as it suits them. It is not your business WHY they are what they are or why they’re using this particular identity.

Some people in the asexual community are demisexual. This means they experience only secondary sexual attraction, as a result of romantic or emotional connection with a particular individual or individuals. They never feel sexual desire for strangers, celebrities, or people they don’t know well/aren’t comfortable around/etc.

Some people in the asexual community are grey-asexuals. They’re somewhere in between totally asexual and totally sexual.

For the most part, the asexual community does not care about other people’s sex lives. As long as we aren’t involved, your sex life doesn’t matter to us.

Asexuals can still find people aesthetically attractive. Just because we find someone pleasing to our eye does not mean we want that person touching our genitals. Just because we don’t want anyone touching our gentitals does not mean we’re blind.

You cannot cure us with sex. It doesn’t matter how good you are at sex. It doesn’t matter how good you are as a person. It doesn’t matter how much you love us. It doesn’t matter how much we love you. It doesn’t matter if we enjoy sex. It doesn’t matter if we orgasm when we have sex. It doesn’t matter if we consent to it. We are asexual. We do not experience sexual attraction to anybody, and there is nothing you can do about it. Period.

Asexuality is not about the sexual act. It is about sexual attraction.

You cannot cure aromantic people by attempting to romance them or trying to  persuade them that romance is the pinnacle of human experience. First of all, it’s not. Second of all, aromantic people were born the way they are. You can’t choose to be aromantic. Aromantic people can’t choose to feel romantic attraction. It is what it is.

Mixed orientation sexuals exist. These are people whose romantic and sexual orientations differ from each other. There is nothing wrong or weird about this. All it means is you have an extra complexity in your romantic/sexual/emotional life.

Those of us who are asexual or aromantic are not looking to be fixed. We aren’t broken. We’re different. We don’t need your pity. We don’t need you to show us the light. We need you to respect us or get the fuck out.

And one more time: asexual men exist.

———

Thanks for your attention.

(via outlawroad-deactivated20130412)

aromanticsanonymous:

livelaughawesome:

saying “sex isn’t the only part of a relationship” is kind of erasing some aromantic people a little bit

it’s hard to fathom for a lot of romantic people

but for some people, sex is the only part of a relationship

and that’s okay if it’s all consensual

This is an important concept, I think. People tend to, without thinking, laud romanticism as the be-all-end-all of a relationship, that which is the necessary condition for a “relationship”, for “boyfriend and girlfriend”, for whatever title you see fit to attach.

It’s either sex and romance, or romance, or it’s not a relationship.

And that’s extremely erasing and disingenuous.

(via theboykingofhell)

asexualeducation:

Sexual attraction: When one desires to have sexual relations with another specific person or persons. Sometimes it is felt along with other forms of attraction such as, romance, friendship.

“That guy is so damn sexy, I could take him to bed and shag him all night long.”

Romantic attraction: When one desires to have a romantic relationship with another specific person or persons. Many people who’re asexual may experience romantic attraction even though they do not experience sexual attraction.

“Oh wow, that girl is so beautiful, I would really like to get to know her better. She’s the type of girl I would love to get into a romantic relationship with.”

Aesthetic attraction: When one sees another person or persons as attractive, nice looking, handsome or beautiful, but does not feel any desire to be in a romantic, sexual or sensual relationship with them.

“Oh my gosh, that man is quite attractive, I appreciate how handsome his face is and how lean his body looks. If I could, I would hang him up on a wall and look at him all day”

Sensual attraction: When ones sees another person or persons and desires to do sensual (but NOT sexual) things with them. Such sensual things may include, kissing, hugging, holding hands.

“Look at that woman, she is quite a sight for sore eyes. I would very much love to cuddle with her, kiss her forehead and perhaps hold her hand as we walked through the park.”

Squish: When ones sees another person or persons and desires an aromantic friendship with them.

“Look at how cool that boy is, I would love to get to know him more, I bet he’s a great person to hang out with and talk to.”

(via theboykingofhell)

gentofmind:

A lot of people think I don’t like romance in stuff. This isn’t true. I actually like romance in stuff! That is, when it’s done right, and fits the story and the characters. A lot of times it’s just thrown in needlessly or an important character is given a generic love interest, or a character who otherwise seems aromantic is given a romantic interest, or a story that really doesn’t need romance is just given it randomly, or whatever. This annoys the HELL out of me. Not just as an aromantic, but as a future writer too. 

Anyway, I was talking with my friend and I came up with a pretty good metaphor for this: 

Imagine a world where everyone wants water balloon fights in media. That’s awesome and great! Water balloon fights are a lot of fun for people who like water balloon fights. But when every single story involves water balloon fights, then you start to get annoyed, especially if you’re not someone who likes water balloon fights and actually likes, I dunno, squirt gun fights or even pillow fights or no fights at all. And water balloon fights constantly being in media gives the impression that everyone wants water balloon fights, that everyone requires water balloon fights to survive, that there is something that’s super important about having water balloon fights and if you don’t have them then you’re a weird spinster or something. 

Romance in media is exactly the same way. 

Water-based fights aside, what I’m saying is: romance is great and awesome. But not every character has to be romantic. Romantic plot lines don’t have to be the be-all end-all, and if you’re a writer giving a character a romantic side story, seriously think about it instead of making it a default. There are other options. I’d just, once, like to see that explored, the idea that you can get your happy ending without romance being involved.

(Source: rattyhugs, via theboykingofhell)

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aromanticaardvark:

acesecrets:

[Text: I’m aromantic. (but I have so much love to give)]

I don’t feel like aromantic means that you won’t be able to love. I mean, there are so many ways you can love people that aren’t romantic, and a lot of people don’t realize that or forget about it. Platonic, familial, queerplatonic… all of these can be just as important and meaningful as romantic love. Love is a many-faceted thing and I feel like romantic love is only a very small fraction of it. It’s like saying if someone doesn’t get along with their family, then they’re missing out on all love, when that isn’t true whatsoever. 

I think as aromantics we need to realize that our existence isn’t sad, and that it doesn’t mean we will never have love, despite what many may tell us.

kinsey-x:

(found here)

EDIT: Made by Sibi :)

(Source: unlubricated-anal-sex)

bloodsexandtea:

Here’s a few things you need to understand.

There is no such thing as a “fake” sexuality. There us no such thing as “that is not a thing.” If someone identifies that way, and if they aren’t one if this stupid hipsters fucks who do it for attention (never automatically assume this, by the way- and especially don’t say it to their face. If they really are as they say they are, it will hurt more than anything,) than, fuck, they ARE that way. If someone tells you they are bisexual, they are. Pansexual, they are. Asexual, they are. Aromantic, they are. Demisexual, they fucking are. Got it? Good.

You should never make assumptions about people’s sexualities. You should never tell someone that what they identify is “not a thing.” Of COURSE it’s a fucking thing! Sexuality is a spectrum, and everyone is a different goddamn shade. Even if you cannot comprehend this, just listen to the person and believe them. Do some fucking research. Actually, here- I’ve done some research for you, after the events of Saturday night. It’s on asexuality, and aromanticism.

Asexuality, first off. This one is easy e-fucking-nough.

To be asexual means to not experience sexual attraction. It means if you look at David Tennant, you might think “he’s hot,” but not “I want to have sex with him.” If you have a significant other, you might think “I love them,” but not “I want to have sex with them.”

Asexuality does not mean a lack of libido. Many to most asexuals masturbate, get off, et cetera. They have a sex drive, but, to put it oddly, it’s not a “sex drive-” it’s a “drive.” Their genitalia want that kind of attention. They do not.

Some asexuals even have, and enjoy, sex. 

There are two types of asexuals; neutral and repulsed. Neutral asexuals are like honey badger. They just don’t give a shit. They don’t experience sexual attraction, but if a significant other says “let’s have sex,” they might say “okay, sure.” It just doesn’t particularly matter to them.

Repulsed asexuals don’t like sex. They are, as the title suggests, repulsed by it. They don’t want sex. They really don’t. If a significant other says “let’s have sex,” they’ll say “nope!” 

Now, on a similar note. Aromanticism.

This one seems really fucking hard for people to understand, for some reason, which lead to you two being assholes the other night. Aromanticism is, of course, a thing, but for some fucking reason, our romance-obsessed society can’t wrap their stupid little heads around it. 

An aromatic has no desire to have a romantic relationship with anyone. They won’t feel romantically towards the person. They might like them a whole lot, but they will not feel “romantic” towards them. It’s all in the name.

An aromatic has the potential to love someone, but not be “in love” with someone.

There is a type of love that most romantics don’t understand- and don’t be offended by it, because it’s just like saying straight people don’t like someone of the same sex. It’s an intrinsic part of the orientation. This is called “queerplatonic.”

If you know your words, you’ll know that “queer” is pretty much “not straight,” and “platonic” is  ”friends,” or “friendship.” As in, “it’s platonic love.” Friend-love.

Queerplatonic relationships and feelings refer to something less friendship-y than normal friendship and pretty much the aromatic equivalent of a romantic relationship. To put it in stupid terms, it’s really, really, really, suuupperr close friends. Maybe even monogamous- there might even be a “no queerplatonic relationships with other people” rule. These kinds of people will cuddle, hang out a lot, and might even kiss and have sex. But the feeling is not romantic. It’s just being so close to the person that you want to do everything with them, but you aren’t “in love.” If you don’t understand it, that’s pretty normal. 

From my perspective- an aromantic perspective- all relationships are on the same level. Platonic, queerplatonic, and romantic relationships are all equally important and special, but in different ways, and some constitute the people being more deeply linked than others. But they all matter just as much as the next one. A boyfriend is not being “more than friends”- not more than at all. Just different.

Some romantics are sexual, too. They might be sexual with their queerplatonic partners, or just with people. They might be monogamously sexual or not. Just the same as a romantic sexual (aka, normal.) I am a romantic sexual.

Being asexual doesn’t mean “pathetic,” “can’t get any,” or “sexual disorder.” They just don’t particularly want any. It doesn’t matter to them.

Being aromatic doesn’t mean “haven’t found the right person,” or “sociopath.” It means “doesn’t want “the right person.”” Or maybe they do, but not in your sort of way. 

Telling someone who is aromatic or asexual that their sexuality doesn’t exist or is pathetic is just the same as telling someone who is gay, bi, or les that their sexuality doesn’t exist or is pathetic. Here, let’s put some words in you guys’ mouths for a minute, using real quotes from you two, but substituting gay for aromantic/asexual.

“….I have met some gays, and they are the most pathetic people….”

“Gay? That’s not really a thing. You just haven’t met the right man yet.”

(“person” was changed to “man” above, because it makes the context a little smoother. Also, this is assuming we’re talking about a gay girl.)

Sexuality is, as I said before, a spectrum. There’s so many bog, confusing things out there that you may never understand. As Garbage said- “just try to comprehend what you might never comprehend.” Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it isn’t real. So when someone tells you their sexuality or romantic orientation, just take it as it is, and move on.  

(Source: glitterblood, via aromanticsanonymous)

What ASEXUALITY Is

On its homepage, Asexuality.org defines an asexual as “a person who does not experience sexual attraction.” This is a definition about desire - how you feel, and not about sexual behavior - how you act.

Beyond the dimensions of feelings and behaviors is something broader - an asexual identity. There a process of self-examination involved in identifying as asexual. Importantly, though, an identity is not just personal - it is also social, cultural, and interpersonal. Asexuals who come together on asexuality.org to share experiences are building a community. They have the potential to engage in consciousness-raising and collective action, too. Health and mental health professionals, for instance, may be a little less quick to pathologize asexuality (see below) if there is a defined group of asexuals keeping the opinion leaders on their toes.

When the 102 asexuals in Scherrer’s study discussed the meaning of their own asexuality, they most often pointed to desires: They said they did not experience sexual attraction or desire. One of the participants, Jenn, said this:

• “I just don’t feel sexual attraction to people. I love the human form and can regard individuals as works of art and find people aesthetically pleasing, but I don’t ever want to come into sexual contact with even the most beautiful of people.”

Others, though, said they did feel sexual attraction but not the inclination to act on it. Sarah said this to the researcher:

• “I am sexually attracted to men but have no desire or need to engage in sexual or even non-sexual activity (cuddling, hand-holding, etc.).”

What asexuality Is NOT

1. Asexuality is not the same as sexual dysfunction.

If you are different from the norm, or what is perceived as the norm, you can count on the labeling police - and even some medical professionals - to tag you as dysfunctional. One of the great contributions of the web, and sites like asexuality.org, is that people can find others like them more readily than they ever could before. Comparing notes and experiences, they can find that aspects of their lives are shared, and - contrary to the conventional wisdom - are not at all undermining of their health or well-being.

Psychiatrists and psychologists sometimes see a lack of sexual desire as a symptom of an official disorder. Here, for example, is a description ofSexual Aversion Disorder: “Persistent or recurring aversion to or avoidance of sexual activity. The aversion must result in significant distress for the individual and is not better accounted for by another disorder or physical diagnosis. When presented with a sexual opportunity, the individual may experience panic attacks or extreme anxiety.” The important point here is that to count as a disorder, the experience must result in “significant distress.”

There is a problem in leaping from the fact of a lack of sexual desire to a label of a sexual disorder: You need to stop along the way to ask how asexuality is experienced in an individual’s life. If you are okay with it, then everyone else should back off and keep their pathological labels locked in their file cabinets.

2. Asexuality is not the same as celibacy.

From asexuality.org: “Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation. Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships.”

3. A disinterest in cuddling or other forms of physical affection is not a necessary part of asexuality.

Sarah (quoted above) said she had no interest in any kind of physical affection, not even hand-holding or cuddling. Others, though, do like those kinds of interactions. For instance, when asked to describe her ideal relationship, Rita said this:

• “The same as a ‘normal’ relationship, without the sex. We would be best friends, companions, biggest fans of each other, partners in financial, work, and social areas of our lives. I am very physical. I would like to be able to tackle my lover (as in, ‘I love him’, not as in ‘person I am currently having sex with’) to the ground, roll around until I pin him, then plant a kiss on his nose, snuggle into the crook of his arm, and talk about some random topic… without him getting an erection or entertaining hopes that this will lead to the removal of clothing or a march to the bedroom.”

4. A disinterest in romance is not a necessary part of asexuality.

Rita, the asexual person quoted just above, described an ideal relationship that was in many ways a romantic one. Other asexuals are uninterested in romance. Kisha, for instance, said this in response to the question about her ideal relationship:

• “I’ve already got a friendship that feels a lot like my ideal relationship. We have a ton of common interests…We laugh, we think the same, we never fight or cause any burdens to each other…That’s all I want, just great friendships. I don’t need attraction or anything physical.”

Asexuals who are romantic often identify as heterosexual, gay or lesbian, or bisexual. For those who are “aromantic,” those distinctions seem irrelevant. Noting that the gender of the other person was unimportant to her, Nora said, “I am attracted to personality.” Mona added, “The things I find attractive, I find attractive in both sexes.”

5. A lack of pleasure from your own body is not a necessary part of asexuality.

Some asexuals consider masturbation a sexual act and are uninterested in it. Others, such as Gloria, have a different perspective:

• “I do not have any desire to have sex with another person. I masturbate at times but I don’t connect it with anything sexual. I know it sounds like a contradiction but it’s just something I do every now and then.”